08 May 2016

The Mother Of Days

I have a certain discontent feeling about the Mother's Day. I don't believe I'm the only one. I'm sure women who have miscarried or who are unable to bear children or those who have lost their children through nightmarish means understand (to varying degrees) this feeling.

I don't get to raise my children. I don't get to hug them daily or tell them good morning daily. I get to watch them grow from afar as if they never belonged to me, but I still get the privilege to partake somewhat in their beautiful little amazing lives.

Even if things were different, Mother's Day wouldn't be a time for me to gloat in my fertility. No. I would still not get so excited about it as I'm more thankful for the blessings my children are to me, rather than my so-called right to be a mother. I do love to remind my mom that I'm glad she gave birth to me, though!

To the "Happy Mother's Day!" I respond with a "thank you," but I say in my heart "for what?" I gave birth. Yeah. But the real happiness comes from seeing what God has in store for my babies in the future.

I don't have the joy and pains of fully raising my kiddos, but I can't forget God's grace for their lives.

To those mothers who cannot bear or have lost their babies, I mourn with you and I pray for you. I also pray for mothers who have theirs. Some of us have been raised without a mother. We all need prayer. We also need to be reminded that all things happen according to God's perfect plan. Even the hurt and wrongdoings of others help to grow us.

I'm truly thankful that God is my all. He truly knows how I feel. Only He can turn my sorrow into praise. I hope that He will do the same for you.

25 November 2015

Do Dump Trucks Come in New???

I know a lot of things about dump trucks. You never want to be behind one, as they are ever so slow to get up to speed. They have like 60 gears and a switch for even more shifting action.  They haul a whole lot of stuff.  They're often found hanging around construction sites.  They're always very dirty and usually pretty dinged up.

Something that I've realized is that...I don't think I've ever seen a brand spanking new dump truck!  Do they even exist? Or maybe when you go to pick one out, you sign the paperwork and receive your key...BAM! it ages about 15 year as you pull out of the lot?!  I'm sure there is a "brand spanking new" dump truck salesman reading this and contemplating ways to hush me up, now that I think I may have figured out the secret.

Life is a lot like this, though.  How often do I sit back and realize that I missed something along the way and I can't figure out how I got here.  What happened?  Should I have seen this coming?  I've been doing a lot of contemplating lately.  We're in a tough spot right now.  I would love have a dump truck right now that could just haul away the junk in our lives (and by "junk" I mean all the things that are making me sad right now) to a far, far away place.  Someplace where it will be blown up or buried (maybe blown up then buried?), never to be seen again.  Replaced with something new and useful. Something that I can feel better about.

I know that my heart is an idol factory, just like everyone else's (ya feel me, or nah? Actually, we could discuss that one later....).  I want to be able to rest in something tangible.  I like knowing that bills will be paid because we have enough money to pay them.  I don't like not knowing if rent next month will even get paid.  I like knowing that our jobs are secure and we can count on them.  I don't like wondering "how long will this last?".

I know what I should be doing...and I feel like it should be easy.  How can I put my trust in God, when I could be homeless, jobless, foodless, clothless, etcless?  What does it mean to "be still"?

God brings each of us to this point (of course "this point" is different for each of us) in order to bring us closer to Him.  When we are at the point where we can no longer do for ourselves, we should be looking to Him.  Of course, that doesn't always happen (not for everyone and not usually right away)...we start working harder, take on 15 more jobs, go to other people or things for comfort and reassurance, but ultimately when you're broken, that's when you're supposed to remember that God is the one who has everything under control.  Not you.  Not ever you.

Proverbs 19:21 - [There are] many devices in a man's heart; nevertheless the counsel of the LORD, that shall stand.

Romans 8:28 - And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to [his] purpose.
Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
Joshua 1:9 - Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God [is] with thee whithersoever thou goest.

Matthew 19:26 - But Jesus beheld [them], and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.

I don't know if I could be righteous like Job was in his sufferings (and I think he suffered way more in his life than I probably will), but I'm so thankful to be reminded that I don't have to be down in the dumps (ba dump cha!) because my God is God and He's all-powerful.  My mountains are just dinky little situations to Him. They are but a few grains of sand in His universe-sized dump truck (did I take the analogy too far?).

I must though, I can't wait to see where all this is going!  Whoo wee!  I'm looking forward to eternity.

24 October 2015

A New Beginning

I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm not always that great with coming up with titles for these blog posts.  Sometimes, I have such a brilliant idea, that I can't wait to crank out that corresponding chunk of my present life.  Usually, I struggle to find a meaningful short description.  This one is one of the usuals...

After two months of being abandoned  lovingly left behind by my new husband as he journeyed to the state from whence we came, my knight is returning.  After the week in the hospital (back in early August) and being unable to work for that time, my Lu decided that he should return to Maryland for a few months to earn money so that we could get caught up and perhaps ahead on our bills.  The decision was not easy, nor was it hastily made.

It was thrown out there by his previous boss that Lu could always go back to work up there.  He would make much more money for less hours than in this Sunshine State.  So, Sunday, August 16, he begrudgingly made his way back up north. After a few weeks, we caught up and eventually, I got my first paycheck from my new job.  Expecting his DOT card to expire at the end of this month, he figured he would be able to come back the first week of November.  Well...that dang ol' thing expired much sooner than he thought, so he's been sentenced to light service for the past couple of weeks instead of the glamorous duties of a tow truck driver.  We had gotten caught up...now we are again barely making it (as I don't make enough...and won't make enough...to cover everything).

Add to that me having to pay child support to my ex-husband...we need to have a couple of miniature meltdowns these days.  The good news is that while this is going to get rather uncomfortable real soon, we know this isn't the end.  This isn't going to be our life forever.  This is just a rough patch.

As I type, Lu is on the road returning back to me.  Once he gets here, I'm going to give him lots of kisses...then let him sleep.  He will get back to applying for jobs and maybe start working with a temp agency until he gets going in a full-time job.  I hope that he can work with the school buses like me, but we will have to see what our Mighty God has in store for Lu's career.

I feel like we are starting over.  Like this is a new beginning.  A fresh, new life.  There is so much that I hope for as I anticipate my partner in crime's return.  The kiddos will be so excited to see him again.  Now someone else can wash those dishes for a change...I mean...now we can go back to being a family. ^_^