20 August 2011

How to get back to it...

The last time I saw my darlings was Tuesday. I dropped them off at their father's house and there were quite a few people helping to pack and load the moving truck. I had offered to help, if there was anything that needed to be done, but in reality couldn't stay much longer. I was just about to break down, when Ryan said, "let's go, Mommy."

This week has been very hard for me. I have been so down, it's not funny. I don't even know what's been really keeping me going (of course I do, it's been God Almighty, but I really don't know how He does it. I'm just glad He does). I got a chance to talk to my girls via Google Talk, but last night was so difficult.

Tonight, I'm working and I'm feeling okay. I didn't get the chance to talk to them today. I wasn't feeling well and slept all day. Tonight, I'm working (but I'll be off very soon!). I was hoping that even at work, I would get a chance to call the girls or video chat for a few minutes, but it's been so busy. I haven't even had much time to eat my bowl full of cherries.

I miss them terribly. That's an understatement. Though I miss them, I have to be sure to keep moving ahead. I've come so far. I'm still not where I want to be, but right now is where I need to be, until the next step. Currently, I'm looking at my options to figure the best way to move. Picking yourself up is not possible. There are too many people and resources to not accept help and encouragement. I'm not saying to use others, per se, but try not to get caught up in your pride.

I struggle with that. It's not so much pride, but I really don't want to be a burden on others. I have to forget that though, because if someone else needed, my help, I would want them to come to me. We should all be like that.

I need to write my goals down and the steps to take to get there. Since being shot in the heart (figuratively), I've let some things go. My appetite has gotten out of hand, my house is un-tamable, and my emotions are down more than they are up. I need to consciously and actively work to keep these things at bay, so that I don't slip into a depression. I think I may have talked about this previously... I sure did. I touched on ways to help eliminate stress. I will have to follow my own advice.

13 August 2011

...The Unknown pt 2...

Well, yesterday's hearing could've only had one outcome out of a few possibilities. The judge allowed for my two girls to go to Florida with their dad. I cannot express the level of heartbreak right now. Being positive in this situation is hard work and very exhausting. Since we have to have a hearing for modification for custody and visitation, this perhaps may not be the end.

I'm afraid that now they are able to move down there, perhaps the future judge will not want to move them back. Right now, as always, I have to keep trusting in God. None of us have control over our lives. Even the crummy things that come up are all part of His plan. Everything will be okay in the end. This is why when I pray, of course I ask for the things that I want, but I also ask that even if God doesn't grant me those desires, that I can be satisfied with what He chooses to do.

I hope that you can pray for this as well...and try not to be too disappointed when not everything works out the way you think it should. Just take my divorce for example. I was a very shy, low self-esteem kind of person. After getting divorced, I've been through a series of events that have led to me being a much stronger person. I used to be terrified of my ex-husband, now I can look him in the eye and tell him how I feel about something, without shaking in fear. That's just one thing, but it's a huge one!

Don't lose hope! You might be in a bad situation now, but it could always be worse! Remember that you don't have control of your life, God does. If you trust in Him, he will give you peace in whatever state you are in. Right now, I'm heading out for some comfort food at my local 24-hour CVS. I'm using extracare bucks and coupons! Even in sad times, always save that money!

11 August 2011

The Unknown...

We all want to be prepared for the future, right?! Well, as much as we plan and prepare and make notes, etc., the future will be what it will be. Sometimes, our dreams don't come true. Sometimes, our minds change. We can't look at everything as a disaster, but we have to try and keep in mind that everything happens for a reason...and that all things work together for the greater good.

These are tough words to live by, I know. In the midst of difficulties, I struggle with remembering that I'm not in control of my life (though I like to think I am sometimes). God is. He takes the good things and the bad things and use them to grow me stronger. Better. And ultimately closer to Him.

I know this is my frugal, money-saving blog, but I've been away for a while for a pretty big reason. My ex-husband has recently announced his plan to move to Florida and his desire to take all three of my children with him. This isn't something that has taken months to think about or work out. I just found out two weeks ago. His plan is to move down there at the beginning of next week. He's even already registered my girls in school down there.

I have to say that I've been devastated. I have been fighting for a balance in my children's lives...the chance for them to be together, but have equal opportunity to spend with their father and myself. Every step along the way, I've been met with absolute opposition. It has only been recently, when he's decided to move, that he's been approaching me differently. I don't know whether to believe his sincerity or learn from the previous lessons of being ambushed.

Tomorrow, we have a hearing at 2pm. I can't speak for my ex-husband. I can only go off of what he says and does. He claims that he has their best interests at heart, but based on his previous actions, I can see otherwise. I love my children dearly and have lost time with them for the sake of keeping peace. I would do anything for their sake, but I wouldn't give them up so easily.

I wouldn't ask anything of you, other than to pray. Pray for wisdom on my behalf, on my ex-husband's behalf, and on the judge's behalf. Pray for justice, for peace. Pray for a decision that would truly be the best solution for my children (not just what I speculate and not just what my ex-husband speculates). And above all, pray that whatever the outcome, both my ex-husband and myself can be satisfied with that.

The fight over child custody is always an ugly one (even if there isn't much of a fight and the adults are able to work something out). No matter which parent/guardian is the "winner", the children are always the losers. Their family is still split, a good ways off from where it's supposed to be, and they have to deal with so many changes. Life is naturally full of changes, but a broken family is filled with unnatural changes as well.

Of course I want them to stay with me forever. I gave birth to them. I vowed myself to them for the rest of my life. They are my babies...