31 August 2014

Death and the Dying

So morbid...I know, but death is a part of life.

It seems that things need to die to give way to fresh, new life.  It doesn't seem like it ever at first, but when we get past the pain of the loss, we can take notice of good things.

I die every time I say goodbye to my kiddos.  Every. Time.  It kills me to be away from them.  It's not right and not natural for it to be this way.  I break down.  I cry.  I don't eat.  I eat too much.  I have trouble sleeping.  I get urges to spend money I don't have.  But...I can't let myself go like that!  I still have to get up and do what it takes to take care of myself and them when they come back.  It is when I get out of wallowing and self-pity (and realize that God's got everything in His hands, under His control, for His glory), I can see the blessings.

I have the ability to work harder than ever to provide a better life for them.  I have more time to really study God's Word, so that I can relay it to them and answer their questions.  I am being built up.  Becoming better than I was so that I can be better for them.  I learned so much about myself, my ex-husband, and the world around me.  I still hate it, but I can see how much stronger I am for them now than I ever was.

I experienced the death of my relationship this weekend.  I was in a relationship for a year and was hoping to move forward toward marriage.  That hope was killed just Friday.  I would have to say for the first time, I found a man of integrity.  I have renewed hope that there really are good guys out there (so I don't have to worry as much when my daughters are old enough to look for husbands).  It wasn't a bad breakup, but a breakup isn't my idea of a good thing, either.  I have unanswered questions.  I have things I would like to say.  However, I can't stay there.

I will probably be mourning for a little while, but I'm trying to keep in mind that everything happens for a reason.  Perhaps what I was hoping for was not what I needed.  Rather than speculate how I ruined the relationship or what he could have done differently, I need to keep my focus on the fact that everything is in God's timing, under His plan.

I don't know how many times I have stated that I'm constantly reminded that I'm not in control.  No matter the plans I make for myself, God always thwarts them and puts something else in place.  It kills me every time!  I guess you could say, I'm always dying....

But the more I die to myself, the better.  I don't really like the process, but I totally appreciate the outcome.  We are called to take up our crosses and follow Jesus.  That means we are letting go of everything we hold dear.  Everything.  Not saying you should just break it off with everyone in your life, get rid of all your stuff, commit suicide....  I'm saying that we cannot rely on anything of this world.  We cannot put our trust in treasures that will rust and decay.  We are to store up treasures in Heaven.

Your life is but a vapor.  It'll be over before you know it. How you spend your afterlife is determined by what you loved in this life. In order to truly live, you have to die.  Deny yourself and trust in the Lord Jesus Christ.  He will keep you in perfect peace.